Statistical Analysis of a Closeted Blogger

They said it would be difficult and boy was it ever! 

They say that keeping one’s alternative lifestyle hidden can cause great, inner suffering.  Based on my digestive issues, I knew that I had to go public.  So after six whole days of denial, self-loathing (and gassiness)— I came out on April 8th, 2011 with the bombshell…..I am a blogger! 

Now, three weeks into my blogging “career,” I am glad to report that KevInane has been well received by the general public.  Perhaps I should re-punctuate that; KevInane has been, well, received by the general public.

I am not sure what I was expecting, other than hordes of random people spontaneously happening upon my blog, then dropping all their horde-like activities and hobbies, and intently sitting by their computer eagerly digesting the postings, in giddy anticipation of a new one; 

“Yes, nurse, I’ll be right there, but first I hafta read this blog post about The Beatles.  For now, just stick your finger in the bullet wound.” 

 

“Moamar dear, please could you get off the computer and get back to murderously repressing your own people.  I’d like a chance to look at those Medical Fun Facts, too.  Ha……Irritable Howell Syndrome.  That KevInane makes me Roll On the Floor Laughing.” 

After lowering my sights, my first goal has been accomplished—to obtain my first non-family blog subscriber.  (Thanks again, K—  N—-!)  And more have followed suit.  Now, on to goal number two—to get the endorsement of a minor national celebrity.  I’m not sure how this will impact readership, but it’s gotta do something; Rold Gold Pretzels didn’t hire Jason Alexander for nothing.

For KevInane, I am thinking along the lines of Iowa’s Comptroller Duane Jamison, Minor League Baseball’s TriCity ValleyCats’ Food and Beverage Coordinator Gian Rafaniello, or Matthew McConaughey.  I’ll keep you apprised of my progress.  And, if pinning down a celebrity endorsement requires financial remuneration, I may be calling you.  Just in case, could you please leave your home phone number and credit card information in the comment section of this post?  Thanks! 

SHOCKING, BEHIND-THE-SCENES REVELATIONS!
I’ve found it interesting to see how people have responded to the blog.  Based upon my two-week study of sociology in eleventh grade Social Studies, I have identified four types of responses (strata, if you will) to KevInane, sociologically speaking. 

1.  Some the overwhelimg majority have ignored the blog entirely, hoping it will just go away.  While I and mostly my wife can appreciate this perspective, it is ill-advised, because the blog—just like the ringworm on my thigh— ain’t going away anytime soon. 

2.  Some have given the blog a token look-see and then moved on to other things. This is folly and is downright misguided because really, what else is there to do of any lasting value?  What are you gonna do instead of reading this blog? 
*  take out the trash, accidentally spilling coffee grounds and broken eggs shells on your Charlie Sheen “Duh, Winning” slippers?

*  fall asleep on the couch watching the new reality hit “FlowerBed Weeders” on TV?  (The season 2 premiere is tonight.  I can’t wait to see if Xanthia survived the Casoron fight with Pooky on last season’s finale.)

*  eat the leftover marshmallow Peeps from your children’s Easter basket, while checking online to see if your high school girlfriend has accepted your Facebook friend request, when your wife suddenly walks in, and you explain that “she requested to be my friend, and after all, it was thirty years ago and…YES, she accepted!  Whoa Boy, and she still looks pretty good, doesn’t she, Honey?  Dear??  Sweetheart….why are you holding that meat cleaver?”

3.  Some have read the blog, and in a weak moment, actually subscribed to it. (These sorry few will rue the day because if they ever—EVER—unsubscribe, I’ll know it.   And no one can pout, hold a grudge or bash in your mail box like I can.)

4.  Some none, actually have read it, enjoyed it, laughed like it was 1999, subscribed to it, told all their friends, left glowing comments, and plan on patronizing the big-time advertisers like Costco, Shell Oil, and Dulcolax that are never-in-a-million-years going to be flocking to this blog.  This will, in turn, make this a huge time-wasting money-making enterprise for KevInane, thus allowing him to quit his day job and devote endless hours Googling researching things like “Matthew McConaughey’s home phone number,” and “creative mail box bashing.” 

ANGIE DICKINSON IN A TUBE TOP**
After in-depth statistical analysis, here is what we know, percentage-wise, about the fine folks that have visited this blog.

12%—  People that have searched the terms “Piggly Wiggly,”  “herpetic skin lesion” and “Kaopectate” and have been diverted to this site because of the blog article tags.

65%—  My immediate family members, who are exceedingly wonderful and supportive, and who leave encouraging blog comments like “Son, that’s pretty funny and all, but shouldn’t you be working,” and “Honey, it’s “Muammar”, not “Moamar,” and please come up to bed, it’s 1:45.”

18%—  Friends that I really care for, but that I really worry about.

5%—  Creepy, unemployed 55 to 65-year-old men that think I look like Angie Dickinson.

0%—  Fellow bloggers that find this to be a quality site, an example of great layout design, of stellar, Carrot Top-esque humor, and something that they might aspire to one day.

** I had to snaz-up the heading as I could sense your (and my) waning interest.  And now, if you don’t mind, I have to go hide the meat cleaver.